


The Secrets We Keep

by Ihopetheyhavepieinhell1143



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abusive Howard Stark, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Howard is a dick, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Or women?, Panic Attacks, Steve gets drugged at one point, bad description if a panic attack, i really don't know how to tag lol, its just once but it needs to be tagged, minor PTSD, no beta we die like men, nvm, sad Steve Rogers, trigger warnings?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27765754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihopetheyhavepieinhell1143/pseuds/Ihopetheyhavepieinhell1143
Summary: Steve was abused by Howard, but no one knows that. How will he deal with his feelings for the younger Stark (Tony) that he has encountered in this century? What will happen when Tony finds out about Steve and Howard?(Not Beta Read)
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Howard Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 93





	The Secrets We Keep

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! Idk why but I'm kinda digging Hurt!Steve and I wanted to write this. I'm sorry if it's bad or you don't like it. Be sure to leave any constructive criticism you want but please be nice. Also, lmk if there are any grammar errors. Thanks, and enjoy!

(I like Howard stark but I like Stony angst more)

-Steve-

When Steve had first seen Tony Stark, he had almost fainted. 

While Tony didn’t look exactly like Howard, there was no mistaking him for anything other than a Stark. And to say that bothered Steve, was very much an understatement. In fact, he was still on the verge of a panic attack just from the man's face. How could he work with someone who, by just looking at him, almost triggered everything he had repressed deep down inside? 

*Flashback*

Howard was a friend, and then he wasn’t. They started out with a few casual interactions, mostly going for drinks with Peggy. But soon they started going alone. Then, one night on the way home Howard dragged him into an alley and kissed him senseless right there next to the dumpster. It had been the best and worst moment of Steve's life, only he hadn’t known it yet. 

They had confessed the feelings that had been building up inside and suddenly they were a secret couple. Steve was allowed to tell Bucky and that was it. They had some wonderful times down in Howards workshop. They went for picnics and dates where nobody could see them. Bucky had been wary, saying that something was off about Howard but Steve had been too drunk on love on love to care. 

And then Bucky fell

And most of Steve's world went with him.

He grieved and cried, throwing himself into saving people, but none of it brought back his friend. 

And then Howards behavior changed too. 

He had become rougher with Steve, more possessive. He had reopened the bottle and never seemed to be totally sober. He was always a little meaner in what he said to Steve, even around other people. Comments about his muscles and endurance always felt like backhanded compliments. But Steve thought it would pass. It had to pass. He needed Howard because other than Peggy, he had no one. 

One night, after Steve came back from a mission, it all changed. When he had gotten back from his trip, debriefed and headed straight to his apartment, ready to plop into bed. He turned the key in the lock of his little room they had for him at HQ and when he swung the door open, something was off. Steve had definitely remembered to turn off all his lights before he left, yet the lamp in the living room was on. There was a silhouette on the couch, illuminated by the light, but Steve couldn’t tell who it was, their back was turned. 

He grabbed his shield from where it was sitting on his back and slowly crept over to the couch. The stench of alcohol hit him hard when he got within five feet, along with a very recognizable cologne. “Howard?” He asked incredulously, dropping the shield. The man turned, albeit groggily and low and behold, it was Howard. At first Steve smiled, happy to see his boyfriend, but his face fell quickly. Howard had a big black eye forming and a dark look on his face that made Steve shake. “What happened ” Steve asked, only to be met with silence. “Howard?” Steve tried again, coming to sit next to him on the couch. He began, “Are you oka-” “SHUT UP” Howard interrupted him with a yell that shook Steve down to the core. 

He stopped, bewildered and looked once more at Howard and then around the room. There were at least four beer bottles strewn about around the room, not including the one in Howards hand, and Steve suspected there were more in the other rooms. As Steve was observing, he felt Howard looking, so he turned back to him. Steve opened his mouth to speak but the moment a sound made it past his lips, Howard shot over to him and clamped a hand over his mouth, fingers digging into Steve's cheek. “What. Did. I. Say.” He growled and Steve winced as finger nails dug into his arm. 

He must be off his game because he hadn’t even noticed Howard drop the bottle to grab onto his bicep. “I don’t know why I haven’t left you yet.” Howard said suddenly. Steve's eyes went wide. Had he heard Howard right? What had provoked this? He thought they were happy? Howard continued “You know what happened today?” Clearly it was a rhetorical question as Howard had yet to let go of his mouth. “I got called an fag at work today.” 

Steve gasped and wiggled a little trying to get Howard off him so he could offer his condolences, but Howard didn’t budge. Instead he gripped a little tighter and kept talking. “I think they know Stevie. I think they know that you’re a little fairy and that you dragged me over to the dark side. How do you think the Howlies reacted when they found out that their fearless Captain is nothing but a wuss and a liar.” With this, Howard threw Steve to the ground and stood over him. Steve was in too much shock to resist. Now that Howards hand was gone, he tried to talk. “Howard, I haven’t heard anyone say anything-”

“Well they obviously wouldn’t!” Howard shouted, stepping closer to Steve, a slight wobble in his step. “No one would stand up to big, strong Captain America, now would they?” he said in an obviously mocking tone. “No. You need to be put in your place.” As soon as he said this, Steve felt a sharp pinch and looked to see a syringe being emptied into his neck. “Uh-uh.” Howard said “Don’t even think about fighting back. I thought about your strength already and in a few seconds, I can do what I please.” Steve felt consciousness slipping in and out. Right before he passed out he heard Howard say. “This will be fun”.

Then Steve woke up, his body was sore and covered in bruises and Howard was passed out next to him. When he tried to move, he winced. Why did his bottom hurt so bad? Then it dawned on him. He knew the worst had happened, now he needed to figure out what to do. Steve lay awake staring at the ceiling, contemplating. Howard was one of the only people he thought he could trust and he had thrown that in Steve's face. 

But, even then, Steve had almost nobody else. Was this really so much to endure so he didn’t end up alone. Then he remembers the fear that had gone through him when Howard had threatened to leave, how much he didn't want to lose him. He still loved Howard, no after what he did. And so he stayed.

That was a bad choice for Steve. Psychological and physical abuse continued right up until he went into the ice. Howard had grabbed the mic from Peggy and the last words Steve heard from Howard were “Worthless”.

And that's how he woke up. Not remembering the people he’d saved from those bombs, but that word echoing in his ear.

Worthless

Worthless

Worthless

So he went back to what he had always done, fight.

*End of Flashback*

And then he met Tony. As mentioned, the encounter did not go well. He tried to be civil, but everything Tony did reminded him of Howard and he couldn’t. He felt a little bad for taking out all of pent up anger out on Tony, even if it was subtle, but the billionaire gave as good as he got. And then they stopped fighting. Steve went to therapy (though not many people knew that) and Tony started to be less of a dick. In fact, so much less of a dick that Steve had somehow developed a crush on him (It had taken his therapist weeks to reassure him that this had nothing to do with Howard and that Tony was his own person). 

Still, Steve struggled with the whole ‘I might be Bi I don't really know’ thing for a while, but it passed eventually. Now all he had to worry about was Tony finding him out and shooting him down. But he could keep a secret pretty well if anything had been proven by his past. Since Tony and Steve were talking more, their lives came up a lot. 

Steve had hoped that he wasn’t being obvious in his deflection of Howard. But then Tony asked. He stammered a bit and made up some bull excuse about not wanting to focus on any other Starks or something along those lines. He didn’t think Tony was satisfied, but well, what else could he do. So life went on as usual. Until the Fourth of July that is.

-Tony-

Tony had always found the fact that Steve had been friends with his father a little off-putting, but he learned to live with it. After they had gotten around their differences, he and Steve had actually become pretty good friends (dare he say more?) and there was no sense in ruining that by overthinking about his age. 

Occasionally Howard would come up in their conversations but Steve always seemed to deflect right back to another topic. When Tony had mentioned this to Steve, he had said “I want to spend time with this Stark, not the old one.” and while that made Tony’s heart flutter, he didn’t believe it. But with Steve, what he says goes so that was the end of that. Except it wasn’t. Tony noticed that Steve hadn’t really ever talked about his past aside from Bucky and occasionally Peggy. He never talked about experiences, places, family, or even the Howling Commandos and while he was opening up more now (Tony suspected therapy) there was still so much secrecy. So Tony, being Tony, decided he would get to the bottom of this, no matter the cost. So he called on JARVIS and started his search.

Tony woke up the next morning with his face flat on his desk. He had spent the entirety of last night looking through everything he could find about Steve Rogers. There were so many articles he didn't know where to begin. ‘I don’t know why I thought this would help’ Tony thought to himself. He had figured if he knew more about Steve and what he was like back in the 40’s, he could figure out what happened with Howard. But he had come up unsuccessful. There were a lot more articles to comb through it seemed, so close to Steve's birthday. 

Tony was super excited for Steve's gift he was going to give him this year. He had built an e-reader for Steve and had filled it with classics upon classics (as well as a few personal recommendations). He knew that he needed to one-up any opposing companies, so it was also holographic. The only thing the man loved to do more than art was read in between saving the world and Tony had already gifted him an art set for Christmas. He was actually a little scared to give him gifts in case he gave away his feelings for the old man. 

He knew it was foolish, but it was a fear and it was hard to get rid of. So instead of getting rid of it, he was going to bluff his way through it in true Tony Stark fashion. 

And that is exactly what he is doing now, standing by the bar, glass of whiskey in hand as Steve opens his gifts. Nat had gotten him some CD’s of pop stars - so he could stop listening to music that was “older than he is”- Thor gave him a bottle of Asgardian Mead with the promise to get drunk later. Bruce gave him a new set of paintbrushes that were laser cut for perfect precision. Clint gave him a watch with his face on it (No one expected anything less). 

Finally Steve reaches for Tony’s gift. He looked at the delicately wrapped paper and smirked “Pepper?” he asked inquisitively and Tony had a smile on when he shook his head. “Nah, she’s on a business trip. That was all me, Capsicle.” he said. JARVIS chimed in from the ceiling “You and quite a few Youtube tutorials, sir.” Steve snorted and Tony hid behind his glass mumbling a “Shut up J”. Steve tore back the paper delicately like he had for all the other presents, making sure not to rip it even though everyone had assured him that Tony had more than enough money to buy more wrapping paper and that they would not be reusing it. When he finished, the new Stark-Book (The title was a WIP okay?) dropped into his lap. 

He picked it up and stared, and then turned to Tony. “What is this?” Tony smiled and pushed off the counter and made his way towards Steve. “That, Cap, is a library.” Steve turned it over in his hands still confused and so Tony plucked it from him, ignoring his stomach fluttering when their fingers brushed and pulled up the holograph. “This makes it so you can read any books you want anywhere. I have already added a few personal favorites to your list but feel free to add more. And trust me when I say that if a book exists, you’ll find it on here. Just hit the search bar and type in the name.” He turned back to Steve who was staring wide eyed at the hologram projected from the device in Tony’s hand. Tony handed it back to him and was greeted with one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. Cap was grinning as he flipped through the books and Tony loved the sight. Then he turned to Tony and said “Thanks Tony. This is great!” Tony nodded in acknowledgement and said back “No problem Steve.”. It wasn’t until they were eating cake that he realized that he and Steve had called each other by their first names. He blushed for a split second but shrugged it off.

Eventually, the festivities started to wind down and Clint passed out on the couch so Tony deemed it safe to leave. He debated going to his workshop, but decided he needed to burn some energy so he headed down to the gym for a quick run on the treadmill. He had made it about a mile when the elevator dinged and out stepped the one and only birthday boy. Tony slowed his pace a little and smirked at Steve. “Hey Cap! Tired of your own birthday already.” Steve smiled a little at the playful banter and responded with “Nah. Just don’t like the fireworks. Y’know?” Tony did know. “Sound too much like the battlefield huh?” Tony hadn’t had experience there, but he did know all about weapons and the time he spent in Afghanistan had not been pleasant. Steve nodded and started to make his way over to the punching bag. 

Then, Tony had an idea. “Hey, I'm getting a little tired of my run and I have a few new features I want to test out on the suit. Wanna spar? Give yourself a little more challenge than a bag filled with sand?” He said. Tony waited as Steve though for a second and then said. “Sure, why not.” Tony smiled. “Alright, I’ll be right back. Get ready to have America’s a*s handed to you on a plate Cap.” Steve smiled back. “Bring it on Stark.”

-Steve-

Tony wasn’t kidding. Steve almost did end up losing at multiple points due to Tony's upgrades. If he didn’t have his shield (Tony was nice enough to grab it for him) he would be a pancake on the training room floor right now. Finally Steve managed to land a punch that sent Tony flying, but last second he righted himself with his thrusters.

“Come on Steve! My old man could hit harder!” Steve flinched at the mention of Howard and hitting, but quickly masked himself. “You sparred with him?” He asked instead, hoping to deflect the topic and maybe distract Tony so he could get another good hit in. He was just getting ready to charge when Tony grimaced “Not exactly.” 

And Steve's world stuttered to a halt. 

He stopped, eyes wide. Memories came rushing back. Bruises and cigarette burns that would heal too quickly, sharp backhands when no one was watching, sly comments that only served to add to the physical pain. I knocked the breath out of him. Suddenly Tony’s face (he had slid back the faceplate when Steve stopped) wasn’t Tony’s anymore. Instead it was slightly different, more youthful and round, but simultaneously hard and icy. His breathing sped up, and he was reminded of an asthma attack from his youth. But those didn’t happen anymore, did they? Next thing he knew Tony was out of the suit and next to him. “Come on Steve, breathe.” he said but Steve could hardly hear him, his voice sounded far away. Breathe? He was trying, he couldn’t! Gasping he heard Tony again “With me, alright? In. Out. In. Out.” Following Tony’s instruction made it easier, so he kept listening. Breathing in and out when Tony did. Finally he could breathe again and his head didn’t feel stuffed. 

Then he looked up at Tony and said the first thing that came to mind “You too?” He croaked in an almost whisper. As soon as he said it, he clapped a hand over his mouth, hoping Tony hadn’t heard. He looked up and saw Tony mirror Steve's wide eyed gaze. Then he felt wetness on his face and realized he was crying. In front of Tony Stark and he had just told him a secret he swore never to tell anyone, ever. So he did the logical thing.

He hopped out of Tony’s arms and ran.

-Tony-

Him too? Him too what?

Tony watched Steve leave in an almost trance. He vaguely registered reaching out for him as he ran, but missing. He watched the elevator leave this floor and go to Steve’s. Then he looked to the left and saw that Steve had left his shield. The shield Howard had made for him. Wait. And it clicked. Him too. 

Steve had suffered the same wrath of Howard that he had. 

But how?

This was Captain America they were talking about right? How would a man like Howard be able to overpower a super soldier? Not even just a super soldier, but a man who even when he was tiny was always fighting back. Nevermind. He would think about it later. Right now, he needed to get to Steve and make sure he was okay. He couldn’t stand to see Steve like that and it needed fixing now. He picked up the shield, asked JARVIS to return the suit to his lab and hopped in the elevator, making a quick stop to the kitchen for a water bottle and some snacks just in case. Then he headed down the hall to Steve’s room. 

He knocked once. No answer. Then he knocked again. “Rogers?” He asked, still knocking. On his tenth knock his hand hit air and he almost stumbled forward. Steve had opened the door a crack to glare at Tony. “Steve?” he said softly. Steve sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s fine. Pretend it never happened.” He moved to close the door but Tony was faster. He laid his foot in the way, stopping it. Then, with surprisingly little resistance from Steve, he pushed it open and stepped inside. Tony, despite owning the tower, had only been in each of the team's rooms once, wanting to give them their privacy. The first thing he had noticed was that Steve had left the decor almost exactly the same as it had been when he moved in. 

The room was clean, but felt almost abandoned. The only sign that Steve even lived here was a few books and some pictures. Tony was thrilled to find that he was included in the pictures, smooshed in with frames containing Bucky, Peggy, the Howlies and… Howard. 

He turned back towards Steve. “Nope.” He said “You don’t get to be alone after a panic attack.” Steve moved to object but Tony put up his hand, effectively silencing him. “Trust me, I know it sucks and I am not going to let you do that to yourself.” Tony set the shield, water and snacks on the counter of the small kitchenette. “Now, we will have to talk about this eventually, but we don’t have to now. We can do something else. How about a movie? I hear Jurassic Park is still on your watchlist?” Steve nodded but said nothing. Tony took it as a signal of his consent and started guiding Steve to the couch. He sat down first, while Steve just stood there awkwardly. Tony sighed and grabbed the super soldier's hand, pulling him onto the couch. 

Then he guided Steve’s head into his lap and started to pull up the movie. His face was heating up a little but he ignored because that's not what Steve needed right now. The movie began and Tony had JARVIS dim the lights. 

They watched in relative silence, each keeping their thought to themselves. Around halfway through, Tony realized he had been stroking Steve’s hair and moved to pull away, only to return when a small whine was emitted from Steve. They finished the rest of the movie curled up together on Steve's couch. When it was done, Tony looked at the clock. It said 11:00, so he figured the best place for Steve would be bed. 

He stood up slowly, letting Steve’s head drop from his lap to the couch before grabbing his hands and dragging him to his bed. Steve was in some sort of in between sleep and awake state but he was able to change into pajamas and brush his teeth before crawling into bed. After making sure everything was ok, Tony turned to leave figuring his job was done when a hand on his wrist stopped him. He looked down to see a barely conscious Steve gripping his arm. “Stay?” Steve asked in a small timid voice that Tony had never heard before. Who was Tony to say no to that? He stripped down to his boxers and undershirt then climbed onto the opposite side of the bed as Steve. “Thanks.” Steve muttered before drifting off. 

Tony lay awake for a little while but his usual insomnia seemed to disappear and soon he was asleep too. 

Tony woke up to Steve thrashing next to him. He was whimpering and whining, tears falling down his cheeks as he tangled himself in the blanket. Tony shot up and put his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “Steve!” He said firmly “It's a dream, wake up! It’s not real!” at that Steve shot up with a gasp, almost knocking Tony in the face. He turned to Tony and looked like he was about to say something, but instead collapsed into Tony’s arms, burying his face in Tony’s chest. Tony grasped him tightly and began to stroke his hair, whispering calming words. “It wasn’t real. It’s ok. I’ve got you” Came in a steady stream from Tonys mouth as he let Steve cry it out onto his shirt. 

They stayed like that until Steves hitched breaths slowed down and tears stopped coming from his eyes. He loosened his grip on Tony’s shirt so Tony looked down at him. “Want to talk about it?” He said softly and Steve nodded “Just gimme a minute.” He said, voice cracking. Tony nodded and grabbed a glass of water from Steve’s nightstand to hand to him. Steve chugged the whole glass, put it down and took a breath.

“Howard and I went way back. He was one of the first people I met when I agreed to get the serum. He worked alongside Doctor Erskine and it was nice to have someone relatively my age around. He was there for the transformation and everything afterward. I'm sure you know that he made my shield, that's common knowledge but aside from being a colleague, he was one of my few friends. I had the Howlies, Bucky, Peggy and Howard. We had a kind of tension between us though and it took a while to figure out it was feelings. Your father made the first move, of course and soon we were secret dating. Bucky had a bad feeling about it from the start but I wouldn't listen. I wanted to have this connection that I’d never had before so I turned a blind eye. Before the serum I was never popular with the dames and Howard gave me exactly what I had craved all those years, love and connection. It took me way too long to realize that the love he was providing wasn't healthy. I was in a blissful period right up until Bucky fell. I had just lost my best friend in the whole world and Howard didn’t seem to care. I think he was secretly relieved that he had less competition, y’know? He had always seemed super jealous of Bucky and I, for no reason. Then, after Bucky’s ... fall, the Howlies and I grew apart too. That left me Peggy and Howard and at that time Peggy had a boyfriend. Basically it was me and Howard, no one else, so I ignored him returning to the drink and hoped it would be temporary. I was wrong and he devolved really quickly. He…” 

Steve had to take a breath there and Tony put his hand on Steve’s, prompting him to continue. “He started to abuse me. It started small but grew with each day. I think he derived some sort of sick pleasure by being the only person able to control the ‘Great Captain America’ y’know? I could have fought back, sure, but I wasn’t willing to lose one of the only people I had left. I was weak then, new to everything, and Howard took advantage of that. “ Steve turns to Tony. “That's why I was so mean when we first met. You reminded me of Howard and I couldn’t stand that. Now I know you are your own person and I have not correlated you to Howard in a while, I promise. Can you forgive me?”

Tony looked dumbstruck.

“Okay, first of all, Steve, you are not and have never been weak. In fact, you are one of the strongest people I know. Second, you have nothing to apologize for. I gave as good as I got because I felt I could never live up to the pedestal Howard put you on. Now I know that's not how it was. You should never say sorry for being human. You are Captain America on the battlefield, sure, but sometimes you have to be Steve Rogers. You are still human too and I’m here if you ever need an escape.” 

Tony took a deep breath and then put his hands on Steves cheeks so he would look at him. “You are special and valued by every member of this team and if you dare think otherwise I will tell Nat and we both know that won't end well.” Steve chuckled, his face curved up in a little bit of a smile. Tony’s breath hitched when Steve looked into his eyes. Steve's eyes looked like they held the secrets of the universe, but at the same time they looked so pure. 

Then Steve lunged forward and before Tony had time to react he was pulled into one of the best kisses of his life. He froze at first unsure and then Steve started to back away and .. well.. Tony couldn't have that. So he pulled Steve right back in. It felt like coming home. Tony’s heart felt lighter than it ever had. But then he thought of something. He pulled back to a whine from Steve and looked him dead in the eye. “This isn’t some weird thing about me being like my dad, right?” Steve looked shocked. “Oh go no Tony, Of course not! I like you for you! I actually kind of had the same doubts at first but my therapist helped me through it.” Tony nodded, smiling, and leaned back in. 

This time it was Steve who stopped him “This isn’t gonna be a one time thing, is it?” He asked Tony. Tony chuckled “Nope! You’re stuck with me for the long run pal.” He stopped “Unless you don’t want to? We can take it slow an-” “No!” Steve shouted then blushed. “I’ve wanted this for a while so I don’t want to wait any longer.” 

Tony smiled “Me neither Steve. Me neither.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!   
> Also, I am looking for people to   
> A) Proofread my fanfics  
> B) Finish fanfics I have started but don't know how to finish
> 
> So if you are interested, please email me at savingpeoplehuntingthings43@gmail.com !
> 
> Thanks and Happy Holidays!


End file.
